Happy Halloween!!! It's been a while since I wrote an entry here. I hope you're doing well! I feel like I went through a lot this month...OCTOBER WAS JUST A LOT!!! Definitely scary for sure lol. I've been dealing with a lot of complex emotions, changes, and other things, but I think I'm doing better now. That eclipse did a number on me I fear LOL (NTM THAT THE MARS RETROGRADE IS ABOUT TO HIT TOO...). I'm looking back at my last entry now, and while I think patience does have some to do with the way I've been reacting to and handling things, I think that it's more rooted in my overall confidence and believing in myself. I really want to work on building a much more solid foundation of self confidence in myself moving forward. I would love to elaborate more on that right now, but I'm dead tired from work. Mostly for the past two weeks I've just been working, drawing, crying, and sleeping LOL. I really want to get back into building my website some more but I just don't have the time these days...especially since I'm trying to work on my dating sim game and comic some more with the little free time I have, it hasn't been easy. My next day off isn't untillll...Thanksgiving, so we can try then lmaooo. Anyways, have a pleasant night and thanks for checking in!
Well, it looks like my depressive episode is over for now. I've been feeling more hopeful about my future ever since I did some research and learned that I could live on my own off of my current salary...as long as I move to a state that's less expensive...so I will be doing that! Probably sometime after my birthday so it won't be for a while now...but, that's fine. That just means I have plenty of time to save up for when I finally do move out. Also, I think I've figured out one of my main issues...or what triggers me into such bad depressive episodes (besides being mentally ill lmfao). But I think I'm really lacking a lot of patience. A lot of the time when I get like that I think things like; why isn't this happening to me NOW, this should've happened A LONG TIME AGO, etc., etc. So I think it's for the best that I start practicing patience. I found this site that gave 7 helpful tips for practicing patience...obviously, I don't know much about patience, but they all sound pretty legit to me! So, I decided that I am going to be practicing one patience tip EACH MONTH, for the next 7 months. I know that sounds long as Hell...but that's the point! The patience!! It's gonna be 7 months before I know it anyways, so I might as well try it out right? Starting next month I will be practicing...MINDFULNESS!! Mindfulness is described as "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique." Reading over this definition it seems pretty...difficult...but I will try regardless! Let's see how much more patient I will be by the end of May LOL. Please cheer for me as my journey towards mastering patience for the sake of improving my quality of life unfolds!!!!
Sorry, today's journal entry is gonna be more depressing than the last lol. But I feel like it's better than keeping everything in, but I will try to keep it short. Basically, I feel like I hit a dead end. I still live at home with my parents, working a job that pays me pennies an hour. And at first, I thought the pay wasn't so bad, but then I saw just HOW MUCH in taxes was taken out of my paycheck. It bums me out so bad. I try not to be so hard on myself, but it's just difficult knowing where you fucked up in life and wishing you could just start your life over and that things were different. I wake up, work, come home, cry, and then go to sleep and the cycle repeats everyday except for the weekends. I've tried so hard to be grateful for what I currenly have in my life and believe great and amazing things are coming my way, but I don't know. It just gets harder everyday. I feel like I'm being left behind. I haven't been writing, drawing, or coding lately. I just work, eat, sleep, and cry. I hate feeling this way, but I don't know. I just can't help but feel like I'm nearing the end of my life already. I'm sorry for such a depressing entry. I hope your night is more pleasant than mine.
Oof. Oh man. I THOUGHT my depression was gone (or at least better??), but it just popped back in to say hi lol! I want to learn how to talk about my feelings and what I'm feeling and work through them but uhmmm....ngl, that would make me feel lame as Hell...which is not healthy, I know! But, it's true. The only thing I'm really willing to say right now is that I'm sad and lonely LOL. And that's pretty much it. Ike the 25 year old stereotypically lonely Lesbian. Doesn't feel great to admit, but I'm at the very least being honest with myself, so that's a plus I guess. I KNOW LAST ENTRY...I said that I was upset over such a silly thing but...is it really...that silly? Doesn't everyone want to be loved for who they are, unconditionally, without having to change who they are completely???? Maybe I'm too picky or there's just something wrong with me or something, but that's probably just me being melodramatic as Hell again. It's just annoying being told that I "shouldn't care about that stuff right now" from people who are literally engaged and/or married. Like. lmf. ao. Like I'm already 25 years old when the Hell should I care? WHEN I'M FUCKING 50?????????????????????? Anyways. Let me hop off before I ramble on too much and just conclude I'm gonna die all alone or some dramatic/drastic shit like that LOL.
Happy Spooky Month everyone!! It's been a little bit since my last journal entry lol. I've just been so caught up with work and everything that by the time I get home, I'm totally exhausted!! I usually just end up watching a couple of videos before eventually passing out. I really do miss when my creative endeavors had my full attention...drawing, writing...and ESPECIALLY WORKING ON MY SITE!! It's still my special little home, despite the fact that I don't have nearly as much time to work on it now...but I will whenever I can!!! I would never abandon this place! Same goes for drawing and writing!! I had also meant to do one more entry for the end of September too...what I like to try to do is for at least the first day of the month and the last day of the month I write a jounal entry...both of those days feel like pretty significant out of the entire month, don't you think? Well, it couldn't have been helped either way. The past few days...when I tell you I was STRUGGLING...I was struggling for real (cries). This is pretty embarrassing to admit, but a lot of my fears stemmed from the idea that I'm eventually gonna get left behind by everyone in my life and I may never find the right person for me and get married. YEAH...pretty silly I know, but I'm better(ish) now. Sometimes it's hard to come to terms with the idea that people like me just the way I am due to some bullshit I went through in the past...but, either way. That hellish Mercury retrograde is FINALLY over (even though there are still like. Five other planets in retrograde right now lmao) and I can try and focus on getting my shit together so that I can FINALLY move out of my parents place!!! I did the calculations earlier today, and if everything goes well, I should be moving out of my parents place by Springtime!!! >:] I'm so close to being out of here, I can almost taste it...I just have to continue working hard and this should all pay off for me! Kinda a long entry today, I know. But kinda a lot has been going on lately, hence the absence. I'm remaining positive though!! My future is looking a lot brighter than it has in the past few years, so I'm pretty eager to do as best as I can to build the life that I want for myself. Anyways! Enough rambling from me, I have to get my sleep in before getting up for work in the morning (maybe squeeze in a little bit of Splatoon lol). Be easy!
P.S. Don't forget to check out my super fun and spooky Halloween index. Just look for the button on my homepage! >:3
♡ Implement Comment boxes on all OC pages
♡ Complete MILF/GILF Shrine
♡ Work on Customizing Scrollbars<
♡ Replace all the pages w/ dead/broken cursors
♡ Make Halloween Themed homepage
♡ Complete Madeline's Route
♡ Complete Rachelle's Route
♡ Start working on backgrounds
♡ Complete Commissions
♡ Get that Paper